I feel like I should document this moment, and yet I'm just tired and need to get to sleep.
So, yeah, I turned 40 today. Not such a big deal. My daughter picked out the cake and ice cream. Doesn't sound like a big deal unless you know what a selfish dumbbell I am. But we'd talked about neopolitan ice cream awhile back and she wanted to get it because of that. The fact that she picked out a sugar-free version? It just goes with the territory, buddy.
It worked out that I spent a large part of the day alone. That's cool. Not because I'm a misanthrope- which may be true- but because it's just the way things happened.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I never thought I'd be here at 40, so I've got a lot to be thankful for. I can tell you that when I was 30, I had no idea. Perhaps my forties can be like that as well. I had given up on having children. Maybe even on getting married. I was sure that through some unfairness or mistake (I probably actually believed the latter) my 'career' was going to be... retail? The thing was, I knew that I hated it. But I couldn't really see a future in something else.
Now the place that I thought I'd never escape is boarded up (not just that store, but the whole company). It's a good metaphor for that part of my life. I won't go into details, but I know how I was living and feeling then. In fact, spending the day alone a lot today is perhaps apropos, given what 10 years ago was like. I will say one thing about that time, during this quick glance back: Thank you to Mike and Laura Laird. In some ways you made life worth living in those years.
You both knew this future before I did. Laura, especially, loved Kathy more than I did, or in a free-er way than I did, before I did. We can't imagine alternate pasts, Laura, but it's possible your belief in Kath is what made me see how wonderful she was (and still is, btw). I couldn't thank you enough for that if I wrote enough books to fill that yellow house of yours. (yes, the Biblical allusion is on purpose).
Whew. This little note has swirled out of control and I need to end there, before I get all weepy and write all night long. Don't even get me started on the kid!
Twenty more minutes, and this day is over. Finally.