Dec 11, 2011

[Dramatic Title About Turning 40]

I feel like I should document this moment, and yet I'm just tired and need to get to sleep. 

So, yeah, I turned 40 today.  Not such a big deal.  My daughter picked out the cake and ice cream.  Doesn't sound like a big deal unless you know what a selfish dumbbell I am.  But we'd talked about neopolitan ice cream awhile back and she wanted to get it because of that.  The fact that she picked out a sugar-free version?  It just goes with the territory, buddy.

It worked out that I spent a large part of the day alone.  That's cool.  Not because I'm a misanthrope- which may be true- but because it's just the way things happened.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I never thought I'd be here at 40, so I've got a lot to be thankful for.  I can tell you that when I was 30, I had no idea.  Perhaps my forties can be like that as well.  I had given up on having children.  Maybe even on getting married.  I was sure that through some unfairness or mistake (I probably actually believed the latter) my 'career' was going to be... retail?  The thing was, I knew that I hated it.  But I couldn't really see a future in something else.

Now the place that I thought I'd never escape is boarded up (not just that store, but the whole company).  It's a good metaphor for that part of my life.  I won't go into details, but I know how I was living and feeling then.  In fact, spending the day alone a lot today is perhaps apropos, given what 10 years ago was like.  I will say one thing about that time, during this quick glance back:  Thank you to Mike and Laura Laird.  In some ways you made life worth living in those years. 

You both knew this future before I did.  Laura, especially, loved Kathy more than I did, or in a free-er way than I did, before I did.  We can't imagine alternate pasts, Laura, but it's possible your belief in Kath is what made me see how wonderful she was (and still is, btw).  I couldn't thank you enough for that if I wrote enough books to fill that yellow house of yours.  (yes, the Biblical allusion is on purpose).

Whew.  This little note has swirled out of control and I need to end there, before I get all weepy and write all night long.  Don't even get me started on the kid!

Twenty more minutes, and this day is over.  Finally.

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