"Aren't You a Little Old for That?": Some thoughts about weight.

It might seem odd that at 45, I found myself in the back room of "Pierced Utopia" to get my ear pierced twice. You're thinking there's a midlife crisis mixed in there somewhere. And you're probably right. But that's not all there is to it.

I wanted for years to be---I should say to show that I was---the kind of person who did things like this. But I didn't, for the same reason  didn't do lots of things- I didn't want to be THAT guy. The jolly overweight Falstaff whose over-exaggerated persona, to me at least, spelled desperation. I know I'm too prideful, I know how judgmental I sound, but nevertheless, we've all known these guys. Life of the party, Hawaiian shirt, everybody loves them, but... deep down they're running away from something.  I don't say this to judge those guys, but to explain how I was afraid that anything I did to stand out would be judged. Things like taking off my shirt at the beach, or choosing neon shoes instead of black. Or a colored shirt instead of... black. I'm fairly bookish and introspective, so these things I wanted to do were pretty modest. But the point is, on some level I wanted to draw attention to myself, but didn't because I felt ashamed of who I was physically.

Nobody should feel ashamed of their bodies. I know all the ins and outs of acceptance, and I agree with them in principle, but I'm decribing how I felt about myself. I'm talking about feeling it on every uphill on my bike. I'm talking about feeling the looks that said: "You're a cyclist?  that You think you're ready to RACE? I mean, look at you---you must be new to this." All the while knowing that, no, I'm very much not new to this. I started riding mountain bikes in 1988, thank you very much. Do you know what it's like to not think, but KNOW that you have far more experience, know far more about the sport's history, have ridden with some of its greatest athletes, and in more places than somebody you're talking to, and STILL get that condescending look?

I've lost weight, and that's important. but even more significant in my life is the fact that for at least 20 years, as i helplessly watched my weight go up and up, i never lost the feeling inside that who I saw in the mirror truly wasn't me---and HATED seeing him there. Maybe that was part of the problem. I could see who I am now so vividly that I couldn't see honestly who I was at the time.

Maybe those of you who know me wondered why I entered those races I clearly wasn't prepared for, then seemed confused when they nearly killed me. Or why I continued to spectate at races that only made me feel horrible about myself because I wanted to be one of those athletes so badly--- a part of their cool-kid club--- and each one who rode by reminded me how much I wasn't.

I alternately envied; hated; and idolized those skinny weirdo athletes. 'Man, if by some miracle i ever lose weight, I'm gonna let my freak flag fly.' I thought, but it never happened.

Exhibit A: Travis Brown

...Until it did. I'm not quite there yet. maybe ill never reach my perfect weight. but I've somehow been granted a second chance to be myself as i meant to be- and there's no way I'm gonna waste that.



and THAT is why my ear is pierced. twice. Now, about that mid-life crisis---isn't there supposed to be a Porsche involved or something?